“To help yourself, you must be yourself.” ~Dave Pelzer
Hello, my name is Nwando and I almost married a gay man.
Years ago I had a meet cute; a meet cute is a scene just like you see in the movies where a future romantic couple meets for the first time in a way that is considered adorable. The months and year that followed were truly magical. The more time we spent together, the harder the butterflies fluttered. He really was a great friend, the perfect gentleman (he respected my choice of celibacy and never pushed) and on paper, he ticked absolutely all the boxes of what a ‘marriage material’ should represent other than the giant elephant in the room. He was gay.
I remember the hollow feeling I felt when I found out that I would never have the right combination of beards and testosterone to ever really be his type. The many ways my heart broke when I read his conversations of his future plans of using viagra to get a physical reaction. The discussion of how he would use insemination as alternative choice for childbirth, after I’d been ‘trapped’ successfully.
He was as gay as a rainbow, and it struck me that gay no dey show for face. I just never saw it. It’s not always the stereotypical effeminate dressing and finger snapping. Sometimes a gay man is the manly man that’s a homophobe; he is the one that complains about homosexuals on television forcing a lifestyle while he refreshes his page on Grindr to see if he has any new matches.
I think that it’s a new level of low to meet, date and eventually marry a good woman, always with the knowledge of who you are. I understand the need to appear to be as normal as the next guy with a good job, a beautiful wife and intelligent kids; but what if that’s just not your reality? A wolf in sheep’s clothing is still a wolf. Why pull someone else into your fantasy of who you want to become without said person’s knowledge and approval?
I’ve come to realize that this is apparently a common thing and I guess I just have questions. So here we go; why do gay men seek to deceive and marry women? Is it actually sustainable? Would you marry the man of your dreams even though you find out he’s gay? If you do marry him and you live a comfortable life with the knowledge that you never have to worry about your generation’s well being in terms of wealth and material things, would it be worth it? Is a woman marrying a gay man as bad as a man marrying a lesbian? If not, why the double standards?
Years later, I’m able to talk and be amused by this situation but it really isn’t a funny one. The psychological trauma that comes with dating a gay man is real, so I can only imagine the one that comes with actually marrying one. It’s important to take the time to consider the implication of our actions on others. Don’t be so busy trying to save yourself that you don’t notice you’re drowning someone else in the process.
Love x Light,